Sarcasm is my 2nd Language

"You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.  It's really funny." ~ Brandon Sanderson

"Are you always a smart ass?  Nope.  Sometimes I'm asleep." ~ Jim Butcher

A recent conversation between my mother and me, as best I can remember:

Mom:  Alex is convinced that the water tower at the end of the road is full of grape juice.

Me:  What?  No, he's not.  He knows it's a water tower.

Mom:  He says you told him it has grape juice in it.

Me:  No, I didn't.  Did I?  I wouldn't do that.

Mom:  He was adamant that his mother told him there was grape juice in the water tower.

Me:  Okay, well, he might have said "Mommy, what's in the water tower?" and I might have said "Grape juice, Alex, what do you think?  It's called a WATER tower."

As a side note, the water/grape juice tower conversation between Alex and I happened SO long ago, I'm shocked he even remembered it.

As another side note, it's a real possibility that I'm warping these children.

Chicken nuggets are out of this world!

“The secret of poetry is never explained...In every house a child that in mere play utters oracles, & knows not that they are such.”  ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Players

Mark:  Age 2 1/2; Unwilling to eat delicious dinner of teriyaki chicken and rice; Upset because he is not allowed to bring his favorite stuffed doggie to the dinner table; Distraught and crying alligator tears

Lisa:  Mother of Mark; Fixer of delicious dinner, Taker of stuffed doggie; Prepared to let her youngest son sit at table until he eats; Tired and fed up, not crying

Jeff:  Father of Mark, Husband of Lisa; Willing eater of dinner; Tired of hearing son cry; Worn down and weak in the face of so much emotion


The Scene:

Lisa: Markie, you need to eat your dinner

Mark (sobbing): I no like it. Is yucky.

Lisa: You didn't even taste it. It's good.  You like rice.

Mark (still crying): No, is yucky.

Jeff: Mark, please stop crying. What do you want to eat?

Mark (sniffling): I want chicken nuggets.

Jeff: Would chicken nuggets taste good to you?

Mark: Yes, Daddy, chicken nuggets in my bowl are like a diamond in the sky.

How can you argue with that?

         =

Life Lessons from Children's Programming

“Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.”  ~ Erma Bombeck

                                A brief list of truths from Curious George:
                                  1. You can’t defeat the power of yuck.

                                  2. Some days having a working brain really pays off.

                                  3. Bubble wrap doesn’t make a good floor covering.

My husband recently played this song for us on his saxophone.  He was laughing so hard he almost couldn't and, while I'm a little biased, I have to say he rocks.  He wouldn't let me film him so here's Mickey:

The power of Jack Black is so great that he can make Yo Gabba Gabba tolerable (sorry about the quality of this video - best I could find):

Rub-a-dub-dub, Singing in the Tub

I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower. I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.” ~ Jarod Kintz

I composed a song today.  All by myself. 

It should be noted that this was not my first venture into musical composition.  Many years ago I co-wrote a song with my friend RubyAnn.  And while some might say it was the delirious stylings of two women who had spent too much time in a church van, it did receive critical acclaim (from our friend Tammy who I think had somewhat low standards and Rubyann's sister Kim) and was performed during the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton (by me in my living room when the dignitaries from Tonga appeared on the TV). 

On a side note, when Alex was a baby I used to sing him to sleep with Goodnight My Someone from The Music Man.  I do it almost as well as Shirley Jones.  He still likes this song and will occasionally ask me to sing it.  It's never worked for Mark.  He's a bit of a metalhead and prefers We're Not Going to Take It by Twisted Sister.  I'm not sure what this says about my children.  Or about me either. 

The song I wrote today isn't quite as impressive as the ones my friend Kelly wrote while potty training her son but it accomplished what I needed it to.  And now, for your enjoyment, I offer these words to live by lyrics.  Sing to whatever tune you choose:

 

 

Sit down on your bottom when you're in the bathtub,

Sit down on your bottom when you're in the bathtub,

Sit down on your bottom when you're in the bathtub.

 

Don't lick your brother when you're in the bathtub,

Don't lick your brother when you're in the bathtub,

Don't lick your brother when you're in the bathtub.

 

No splashing Mommy when you're in the bathtub,

No splashing Mommy when you're in the bathtub,

No splashing Mommy when you're in the bathtub.

 

Don't eat the bubbles when you're in the bathtub,

Don't eat the bubbles when you're in the bathtub,

Don't eat the bubbles when you're in the bathtub.

 

It probably won't win a Grammy but I'm proud.

 

 



(Not my children.)

Self-Editing

“I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.” ~George Carlin, Brain Droppings

A recent conversation with Alex - including the parts that only took place in my mind:

Alex: The cat at Robin’s is Kidder and the cat at Gram’s is Frank.

Me: (Silently) Actually Frank died not that long ago but I’d rather not go in that.
        (Aloud) That’s right.

Alex: Robin’s going to give me a cat.

Me: (Silently) She better not.
       (Aloud) Really?

Alex: Yes, I will call him Fire.

Me: (Silently) Where do you come up with this stuff?
       (Aloud) Fire?

Alex: Yes, he’s a really hot cat.

          Me: (Silently) BWAHAHAHAHAHA
                  (Aloud) Ohh.

Alex: He will be orange.

Me: (Silently) That actually makes sense.
        (Aloud) Is orange your favorite color?

Alex: Yes.

Me: I thought your favorite color was red.

Alex: No, orange.

Me: (Silently) Seriously? You told me it was red not even 10 minutes ago.
        (Aloud) Okay.

 

Several minutes later:

Jeff: (Reading this post aloud) Actually Frank died not that long ago...

Alex: Frank died?

Jeff: Yes, he's in kitty heaven.

Cloudy, with a chance of snout dogs...

I’m interested in meteorology, but I’m more interested in gross misappropriations of the authoritative language of science. It feels rife with clarity, and yet you don’t understand what it means. And I think that’s beautiful.   ~Rivka Galchen

Earlier this week, in an attempt to remember the word "prognosticator", I entered the word "meteorologist" on the Thesaurus.com website.  My search netted an interesting list, including, not only, prognosticator but also prophesier, forecaster, tea-leaf reader, soothsayer and haruspex.

Which led me to ask, as I'm sure you are, "What is a 'haruspex'?"  A quick search on Dictionary.com brought me this interesting insight:

 /həˈrʌspəˌsiz/ Show Spelled

haruspex: (in ancient Rome) one of a class of minor priests who practiced divination, especially from the entrails of animals killed in sacrifice

 

 

Which led to the inevitable question, "Wouldn't the weather report be so much more interesting if they replaced Doppler Radar with Examination of the Entrails?"

Which led to this conversation:

  Me: Do you want to go to the Farmers Market with me and the kids tomorrow?
  Nancy: I wish I had a better idea of what the weather was going to be like.
  Me: I could go home and consult the entrails.
  Nancy: Do you have entrails?
  Me: I think there's a package of hot dogs in the freezer.

Which led to this:

The GCT has friends!

“The rule is: don’t use commas like a stupid person. I mean it.”   ~Lynne Truss, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation

These made me laugh:

I stole the 1st one from a friend on Facebook.  The second came from this website.

I gotta go feed these kids.  Have a great day!