Sarcasm is my 2nd Language

"You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.  It's really funny." ~ Brandon Sanderson

"Are you always a smart ass?  Nope.  Sometimes I'm asleep." ~ Jim Butcher

A recent conversation between my mother and me, as best I can remember:

Mom:  Alex is convinced that the water tower at the end of the road is full of grape juice.

Me:  What?  No, he's not.  He knows it's a water tower.

Mom:  He says you told him it has grape juice in it.

Me:  No, I didn't.  Did I?  I wouldn't do that.

Mom:  He was adamant that his mother told him there was grape juice in the water tower.

Me:  Okay, well, he might have said "Mommy, what's in the water tower?" and I might have said "Grape juice, Alex, what do you think?  It's called a WATER tower."

As a side note, the water/grape juice tower conversation between Alex and I happened SO long ago, I'm shocked he even remembered it.

As another side note, it's a real possibility that I'm warping these children.

Chicken nuggets are out of this world!

“The secret of poetry is never explained...In every house a child that in mere play utters oracles, & knows not that they are such.”  ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Players

Mark:  Age 2 1/2; Unwilling to eat delicious dinner of teriyaki chicken and rice; Upset because he is not allowed to bring his favorite stuffed doggie to the dinner table; Distraught and crying alligator tears

Lisa:  Mother of Mark; Fixer of delicious dinner, Taker of stuffed doggie; Prepared to let her youngest son sit at table until he eats; Tired and fed up, not crying

Jeff:  Father of Mark, Husband of Lisa; Willing eater of dinner; Tired of hearing son cry; Worn down and weak in the face of so much emotion


The Scene:

Lisa: Markie, you need to eat your dinner

Mark (sobbing): I no like it. Is yucky.

Lisa: You didn't even taste it. It's good.  You like rice.

Mark (still crying): No, is yucky.

Jeff: Mark, please stop crying. What do you want to eat?

Mark (sniffling): I want chicken nuggets.

Jeff: Would chicken nuggets taste good to you?

Mark: Yes, Daddy, chicken nuggets in my bowl are like a diamond in the sky.

How can you argue with that?

         =

Life Lessons from Children's Programming

“Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.”  ~ Erma Bombeck

                                A brief list of truths from Curious George:
                                  1. You can’t defeat the power of yuck.

                                  2. Some days having a working brain really pays off.

                                  3. Bubble wrap doesn’t make a good floor covering.

My husband recently played this song for us on his saxophone.  He was laughing so hard he almost couldn't and, while I'm a little biased, I have to say he rocks.  He wouldn't let me film him so here's Mickey:

The power of Jack Black is so great that he can make Yo Gabba Gabba tolerable (sorry about the quality of this video - best I could find):

Rub-a-dub-dub, Singing in the Tub

I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower. I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.” ~ Jarod Kintz

I composed a song today.  All by myself. 

It should be noted that this was not my first venture into musical composition.  Many years ago I co-wrote a song with my friend RubyAnn.  And while some might say it was the delirious stylings of two women who had spent too much time in a church van, it did receive critical acclaim (from our friend Tammy who I think had somewhat low standards and Rubyann's sister Kim) and was performed during the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton (by me in my living room when the dignitaries from Tonga appeared on the TV). 

On a side note, when Alex was a baby I used to sing him to sleep with Goodnight My Someone from The Music Man.  I do it almost as well as Shirley Jones.  He still likes this song and will occasionally ask me to sing it.  It's never worked for Mark.  He's a bit of a metalhead and prefers We're Not Going to Take It by Twisted Sister.  I'm not sure what this says about my children.  Or about me either. 

The song I wrote today isn't quite as impressive as the ones my friend Kelly wrote while potty training her son but it accomplished what I needed it to.  And now, for your enjoyment, I offer these words to live by lyrics.  Sing to whatever tune you choose:

 

 

Sit down on your bottom when you're in the bathtub,

Sit down on your bottom when you're in the bathtub,

Sit down on your bottom when you're in the bathtub.

 

Don't lick your brother when you're in the bathtub,

Don't lick your brother when you're in the bathtub,

Don't lick your brother when you're in the bathtub.

 

No splashing Mommy when you're in the bathtub,

No splashing Mommy when you're in the bathtub,

No splashing Mommy when you're in the bathtub.

 

Don't eat the bubbles when you're in the bathtub,

Don't eat the bubbles when you're in the bathtub,

Don't eat the bubbles when you're in the bathtub.

 

It probably won't win a Grammy but I'm proud.

 

 



(Not my children.)

Self-Editing

“I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.” ~George Carlin, Brain Droppings

A recent conversation with Alex - including the parts that only took place in my mind:

Alex: The cat at Robin’s is Kidder and the cat at Gram’s is Frank.

Me: (Silently) Actually Frank died not that long ago but I’d rather not go in that.
        (Aloud) That’s right.

Alex: Robin’s going to give me a cat.

Me: (Silently) She better not.
       (Aloud) Really?

Alex: Yes, I will call him Fire.

Me: (Silently) Where do you come up with this stuff?
       (Aloud) Fire?

Alex: Yes, he’s a really hot cat.

          Me: (Silently) BWAHAHAHAHAHA
                  (Aloud) Ohh.

Alex: He will be orange.

Me: (Silently) That actually makes sense.
        (Aloud) Is orange your favorite color?

Alex: Yes.

Me: I thought your favorite color was red.

Alex: No, orange.

Me: (Silently) Seriously? You told me it was red not even 10 minutes ago.
        (Aloud) Okay.

 

Several minutes later:

Jeff: (Reading this post aloud) Actually Frank died not that long ago...

Alex: Frank died?

Jeff: Yes, he's in kitty heaven.

Cloudy, with a chance of snout dogs...

I’m interested in meteorology, but I’m more interested in gross misappropriations of the authoritative language of science. It feels rife with clarity, and yet you don’t understand what it means. And I think that’s beautiful.   ~Rivka Galchen

Earlier this week, in an attempt to remember the word "prognosticator", I entered the word "meteorologist" on the Thesaurus.com website.  My search netted an interesting list, including, not only, prognosticator but also prophesier, forecaster, tea-leaf reader, soothsayer and haruspex.

Which led me to ask, as I'm sure you are, "What is a 'haruspex'?"  A quick search on Dictionary.com brought me this interesting insight:

 /həˈrʌspəˌsiz/ Show Spelled

haruspex: (in ancient Rome) one of a class of minor priests who practiced divination, especially from the entrails of animals killed in sacrifice

 

 

Which led to the inevitable question, "Wouldn't the weather report be so much more interesting if they replaced Doppler Radar with Examination of the Entrails?"

Which led to this conversation:

  Me: Do you want to go to the Farmers Market with me and the kids tomorrow?
  Nancy: I wish I had a better idea of what the weather was going to be like.
  Me: I could go home and consult the entrails.
  Nancy: Do you have entrails?
  Me: I think there's a package of hot dogs in the freezer.

Which led to this:

The GCT has friends!

“The rule is: don’t use commas like a stupid person. I mean it.”   ~Lynne Truss, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation

These made me laugh:

I stole the 1st one from a friend on Facebook.  The second came from this website.

I gotta go feed these kids.  Have a great day!

Nonconventional Christmas list

Love came down at Christmas,

Love all lovely, Love Divine;

Love was born at Christmas;

Star and angels gave the sign.

~Christina Rossetti

This year is the first one that Alex has really "gotten" Christmas.  He has been so excited - to get our tree, to put up the Christmas lights, to play with the manger scene, etc, etc.  Today the first presents appeared under the tree and it has been TORTURE for him.  I'm totally convinced that you don't really appreciate Christmas until you have kids.  But this post isn't about all that...

I asked Alex what he wanted for Christmas.  He told me that he wanted "a toy".  I'm pretty sure this will be the last year presents for him are so easy.  Next year I'm sure he will have a long, very specific list.  And if he's anything like his mother, it will be color-coded and sortable by several columns and available in a variety of media.  And if he's anything like his father, it will include a price-comparison analysis of several major retailers and detailed specifications regarding why it has to be THIS EXACT MODEL.

On a side note, Alex did volunteer that Mark wants a little donkey for Christmas.  (I'm not sure where he comes up with this stuff except that we've been reading the Christmas story and singing this song which I link to mainly because the camel cracks me up.)  Conveniently, a while back, I saw a Craigslist ad for a "Real Nice Donkey" that I could purchase for $500 or trade for something worth $500.  I'm sure the donkey will fit in nicely in the backyard with the dog and stegosaurus.

Because my son was not specific about what he wants for Christmas, I have created a Christmas list for him.  He didn't mention any of these items but, because of the amount of time he spends playing with these types of things, I know he would be totally delighted to receive any of them.

1. Box - any size
2. Rock - again any size
3. Stick - preferably large
4. Cooking tongs
5. Laundry basket - preferably large enough to get in
6. Vegetable steamer basket
7. Rolling pin
8. Tupperware or Gladware - any sizes, with or without lids

I provide this list as a joke but it occurs to me that there are those (Nancy, Michael, I'm looking at you) who would actually give these things to my son.  And, while he'll be delighted, I'm going to think it's a little strange.

Have a terrific Christmas!

Stegosaurus-related conversations with Alex

“Man, I so sick of dinosaurs. They wasn't extinct, I'd go out an' kill 'em myself.”   ~Lawrence Block
 

Alex: Quick, quick, we gotta hide.  A stegosaurus is coming!
Me: Really?  Where is it?
Alex: Oh, that's not a stegosaurus, that's Doggie.
Me: What a relief!

Alex: Mommy, there's a stegosaurus under my bed!!
Me: I can say with reasonable certainty, there's not.  Go to sleep.

Alex: Quick, quick, we gotta hide.  A stegosaurus is coming!
Me: If there is, in fact, a stegosaurus roaming along Mill Plain Boulevard tonight, I'm taking it's picture.
Jeff:  If there's a stegosaurus around here, we're taking it home.  And we're not turning it in or anything like that.  We're going to keep it and make a million dollars.
Me: Who would you turn a stegosaurus in to?  The Humane Society?  Animal control?
Jeff: It doesn't matter.  We're not turning it in.
Me: We have enough trouble picking up dog poop.  You really think a stegosaurus is a good idea?
Jeff: That's a good point.

Me: Quick, quick, get out of the tub.  A stegosaurus is coming!
Alex: No, Mommy, there's not.

Ambiguous Acronyms

“brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.”   ~Stephen Colbert

I picked up this flyer at play school recently:

Apparently FISH is an acronym (though no one seems to know what it stands for) for a charitable organization that collects food.  I'm glad I checked because this is what I was going to donate:

I picked this up at Kahneeta last weekend:

There were two of these originally.  I used one, liked it and brought the other one home.  But then I began to wonder: "Is it LA Fresh, the letters L and A like Los Angeles or La Fresh like La Pine or La Center?"  It's not a big deal but if I'm going to ask if Target carries this brand of makeup remover, I don't want to sound like an idiot.

And, while I'm on the subject, I don't begin to understand why those towns are called "La Pine" and "La Center".  How does it make sense to combine the Spanish feminine word for "the" with "pine" and "center"?  I would really like to know what the people who named these towns were thinking.

And again, while I'm on the subject, where do you stand on the toiletries provided by hotels?  I am usually of the "use some while I'm there but leave it all behind when I leave" school of thinking (the obvious exception being the recent makeup remover wipes).  Jeff, on the other hand, is of the "use the bare minimum so we can pack it all up and drag it back home with us" school.  It's not a point of friction in our marriage or anything, I just think he's crazy.

Finally, here is a recent Facebook conversation that took place between some of my friends and I that seemed to fit in nicely with the theme of this post.  "TCC" for those of you not aware stands for "The Country Church."

Major shout-out to my Mom: you're the best!

Hot Water, Family and Clean Clothes

“There is profundity to explore, but also laundry to do.” ~Bruce Feiler, The Council of Dads: My Daughters, My Illness, and the Men Who Could Be Me

This past weekend we actually had plans.  We rarely have plans but, since we did, there was, of course, a major catastrophe.  Last Wednesday my washer died.  I thought it was a small, fixable injury but it wasn't.  And, of course, there were no clean clothes.  So on Thursday I did a massive amount of laundry at my neighbor's house (God bless her).  And on Friday we took off to Eastern Oregon.

We went to Kahneeta, swam and played and had a very good time.  Here's a picture of Alex at Kahneeta:

Then we went to my Uncle's house.  My cousin Dennis leaves for the Navy at the end of the month.  Here is a picture of him with my Uncle John (his Dad) and our Great Uncle Bill.  My beautiful Great Aunt Joyce is in the background:

Here's a picture of Alex playing with corn cobs (gross, gross, gross).  You had to hold onto your corn because he would take it away before you were done if you weren't watching:

Here's a picture of Mom and Mark and me that I like because we're all smiling:

And here's a picture of the whole family (everyone who counts that is, there are others but they didn't show up for the festivities so I've crossed them off my Christmas list):

No, I'm not crying.  I don't know why it looks that way.

And, finally, here's a picture of the new washer we bought when we got home:

A trip down Highway 99

"If you still persist in writing, "Good food at it's best", you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave."     ~Lynne Truss, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation

The Grammatically Correct Tagger loaded her offspring and camera into the car earlier this week to take care of some things that had been bothering her:

I choose to believe that the "U R" is due to a lack of letters rather than laziness or the bringing of text-speak to signage.  I'm probably wrong but thinking this way makes me feel better.  After taking care of business at this establishment, I drove away quickly to avoid the salesperson who was rushing toward my car.  That seemed simpler than trying to explain what I was doing there.

Let me preface the next picture by saying that we eat regularly at the restaurant to which this sign belongs.  The waitresses recognize us; in fact, one waved to me as I drove in to their parking lot to take this picture. 

Because I like this restaurant's breakfasts, I will acknowledge the possibility that this sign's creator meant to say "Best Pie Is In the County" and is correctly using "Pie's", a contraction of the words "Pie" and "Is".  Because the phrase appears in quotation marks on the sign, there is also the possibility that it is a quote.  Perhaps this restaurant was reviewed in a newspaper and the journalist writing the article misplaced the apostrophe.  I would like to think that journalists, or at least their editors, would know about proper apostrophe positioning but, it's possible, they don't.  While these are valid options, the most likely scenario is that the apostrophe was incorrectly placed in a plural word which is why the sign has drawn the attention of the GCT.

Is that a wildebeast?

“I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.”   ~Anna Quindlen

One of my original ideas when I started this blog was to do regular "What are you reading" posts which would include reviews of the books I was reading and, hopefully, comments from readers about books they recommended.  I was feeling a little bad about this because the only books I've talked about in my blog, so far, have been children's books.  Then I realized that is because the majority of the reading I've been doing lately has been kid's books.  I did recently read 2 books age-appropriate for me which hopefully I'll be able to review soon but, for now, more children's "literature":

Dinosaur Roar! used to be Alex's favorite book.  (He has since moved on to The Cat in the Hat.)  For months we read it every night before bed.

The last page of this book looks like this:

When we got to this page, Alex would point to each dinosaur and asks "What's dat?"  At first I would answer, "It's a dinosaur," "It's a dinosaur," "It's a dinosaur"...but that soon got old (keep in mind we read this book EVERY NIGHT).  So, I started answering like this: "I think it's a cow," "Is that a chicken?" "Maybe it's a horse."  To which Alex would respond every time: "No, dat's not a <<insert appropriate farm animal here>>, dat's a dinosaur."  (It's impressive to me that he can pronounce "dinosaur" but has trouble with "that".) 

Soon, however, the speculation regarding farm animals grew boring to me (again, it was EVERY FREAKING NIGHT).  So I started coming up with more and more obscure animals and intentionally choosing words I knew he would struggle to pronounce: "I think it's a wildebeast," "Is that a platypus?" "Maybe it's a wallabee."  And my sweet boy, every time would answer, "No, dat's not a <<insert obscure, mispronounced animal here>>, dat's a dinosaur."

And so, for your entertainment and mine, I had Jeff film us reading this book.  (God bless my husband for keeping me mostly out of the video.)  Alex is humoring me here because he really wants to watch a show on TV so I zip through most of the book to get to the last page.  For your amusement:

The Wiley Rinonsaskwintz and Quaker Wake

"There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children."   ~Julian Barnes

We took a crazy road trip with two small children.  It started Thursday late afternoon and ended in the very early hours of Saturday morning.  Here's a map of our route:

We drove from home (point 1) to Roseburg (point 2) Thursday evening.  Friday morning we left our hotel, visited Wildlife Safari (point 3), drove around Crater Lake (point 4) and returned home.  It was about a 600 mile trip and fortunately we had the rest of the weekend to recover.  Here's a recap:

Friday morning we met my parents for breakfast in Roseburg and then, with them, went to the Wildlife Safari in Winston, Oregon.  It was far and away the best animal-related venue I've ever been to. 

When I quizzed Alex about the animals we saw, he told me we saw big, stinky cows (yes) and big pigs (no) and a "rinonsaskwintz" (I'm not sure what that is).  Here is a mosaic of what we actually did see:

There were also lions, tigers, rhinoceroses (rhinoceri?), wildebeasts, cheetahs, several different kinds of antelope and many other species that I've forgotten.  Sadly no rinonsaskwintz. 

After leaving Wildlife Safari and saying goodbye to my parents, my husband decided that we should drive to Crater Lake.  According to the map he'd found online this would add about 30 minutes to our total drive.  The map lied.  We did get there eventually though and Crater Lake was amazing.  Alex kept calling it "Quaker Wake".  Jeff, who feels like proper pronunciation is tied with cleanliness in the pursuit of godliness, kept correcting him but it cracked me up and made me think of this:

I didn't see a water skiing Quaker however.  Here's what I did see.  The photos look almost fake but it really is that beautiful:

Please note: Jeff's and my cheesy grins are a result of wondering when the camera was going to stop flashing and take our picture.  It was the 1st time we'd experimented with the delay feature on our camera.

We got home around 12:45am Saturday morning.  My boys were great travelers which is encouraging because I've been thinking about Yellowstone for next summer...

Seriously, MiniMart?

"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."   ~G.K. Chesterton (Alarms and Discursions) 

On Saturday, my friend Nancy and I went garage saling saleing to a bunch of garage sales.  We stopped at a local MiniMart for sustenance and I waited in the car while Nancy ran in.  Here is a recreation (I didn't have my camera) of the homemade sign on the MiniMart window that was directly in front of my car:

There are so many things wrong with this that the Grammatically Correct Tagger doesn't know where to start.  (Nancy did point out that I'm just a virtual tagger which makes me feel like a slightly wimpy superhero - like AquaMan kinda, what real powers did he have anyway? - but I'm not ready to face the possibility of arrest even if what I'm doing is for the good of society.)

After wrestling with all the issues presented by the MiniMart's sign, this is what I came up with:

Scatological Studies

"And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, 'Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad."    ~Ellen DeGeneres (My Point...And I Do Have One)

I googled "why do we call them a pair of pants when they're only 1 item" earlier and found this website which entertained me for about an hour.  The answer to the pants question is here in case you're wondering.

In my studies I learned the following things which, upon final inspection, all fall into the category of bathroom humor.  This was not my intention.  My only explanation is that my recent focus on potty training has somehow warped my subconsious.  I have to get out more.

1. Symbols of the sun and moon were used on outhouse doors in Colonial times (when only a small portion of the population could read) to indicate whether the outhouse was for men or women.  Sun = mens' room.  Moon = womens'.  Because the facilities for the ladies were better maintained, the sun symbol was eventually lost.  This is why outhouse doors traditionally have a half moon carved in the door.

2. Before toilet paper was invented, the following items were used:
   - Corn Cobs
   - Mussel shells
   - the Sears catalog
   - Books of poetry
(Yikes, thank God I'm living now and not then.)

3. Noticeable drops in water pressure, attributed to mass usage of bathrooms across the city, have occurred in New York during the commercials of the following television programs:
   - the last episode of M*A*S*H
   - the Academy Awards
   - the 1st moon walk

4. Though not conclusively proven, it is likely that the "g" in "G-string" stands for "girdle."

5.  It is practically impossible to catch a disease from sitting on a public toilet seat.

Have a great weekend!

Erma said it best

A series of quotes from Erma Bombeck that feel relevant to my life:

"Housework can kill you if done right."

"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."

"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."

"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."

"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick."

"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it’s unplanned, it's full of suprises."

"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."

"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. "

"Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood."

Hair, Hooked and Harry

"Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it."   ~Lewis Carroll

I could have blogged about my son's birth - Alex, not Mark, because his birthday was over the weekend and I was thinking about the goodness of God to me.  And I could have blogged about all the apples that my Mom and I sauced and buttered and dried and froze today.  But I'm not because, yet again, I've been distracted by the internet.

So, because I like the sentiment at the end of the video and because I want my own bike if I'm ever to ride off into the sunset:

And because literal videos and the Hoff make me laugh.  (Please throw a fish at me!)

And because sometimes you just feel like dancing.  (Go ahead, try and watch this one and not do a little boogie in your chair.  I dare you.)

Have a great one!

My big boy turns 3!

"Is it my birthday again? Already? Where does the time go?" "Behind us --or in front. It depends on which way you are looking."   ~David Eddings (Belgarath the Sorcerer)

Alex's 3rd birthday was this past weekend.  Here is a collage of pictures of him - going clockwise from the top left: Day 1, 1 Year, 2 Years, 3 Years.

Here's a picture from right after he blew out his candles.  He's saying "More fire!"

And finally, here's a couple pictures of what happened when Daddy left him unsupervised for approx 5 minutes and he found the cake mix I had intended to use for his birthday cake (no judgements, I was pressed for time):



Motivation

"Elmo's Potty Time is brought to you by the letter P and the number 2!"

What's motivating Alex to become potty-trained:
1. Popsicles
2. His mother
3. Popsicles
4. Jelly Bellies
5. Popsicles
6. M&M's
7. Popsicles
8. His mother
9. Popsicles

(The moral of this story is that my child will pee for an ice cream.)



What's keeping me going during this somewhat messy adventure: 
1. The musical stylings of Kelly Hernandez
2. Popsicles
3. The firm belief that my son will figure this out at least by the time he turns 18.
4. Jelly Bellies
5. With the money I save on diapers, I can buy a new purse (which I don't need but definitely deserve).
6. Ice Cream


And finally, something new that I've said and am a little horrified by:

"Stop jumping like a frog so I can wipe your bottom."