"Housework can kill you if done right."
"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."
"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."
"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."
"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick."
"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "
"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it’s unplanned, it's full of suprises."
"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. "
"Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood."